They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series) Read online

  THEY'RE SO VEIN

  ~~~~

  ~~~~

  They're So Vein

  The Grateful Undead, series (volume 1)

  ~~~~

  They're So Vein is a hilarious and irreverent new twist on the paranormal/vampire romance genre. ~~~~Barnes and Noble overview

  Irreverent and hilarious. It is most assuredly NOT your teenaged daughter's vampire story! ~~~~Linda Ulleseit, author, On a Wing and a Dare

  By

  Susan Stec

  ~~~~

  ~~~~

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters and places are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance of the characters to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  THE GRATEFUL UNDEAD: THEY'RE SO VEIN

  PRINTING HISTORY

  Black Matrix Publishing LLC – First Printing March 2011

  Susan Stec-October 2012

  ~~~~

  Copyright © 2012 by Susan Stec

  Cover illustration copyright © Susan Stec

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

  PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

  ~~~~

  ~~~~

  Chapter One

  Sing a little song

  Suck a little blood

  Get dead tonight - get dead tonight

  ~~~~

  "Tootles has a used condom in her mouth, Susan!" JoAnn screeched, her voice reverberating off the tile walls.

  I rolled my eyes, let out an exasperated breath, and peeked under the stall wall.

  JoAnn, her pants wrapped around her ankles, held Tootles by her rhinestone collar, tapping the toy poodle's snout. "Bad girl! Drop it! Drop it!"

  Tootles growled and shook her head, her little pink toenail's frantically scraping the lavatory floor.

  The dog disappeared with a yelp. The prophylactic hit the floor.

  "Open your mouth. Open! Open!" JoAnn scolded. I heard a spraying sound and the smell of mint wafted in the air. Tootles sneezed.

  JoAnn carefully placed her bling-baby in a canvas shopping bag on the floor between our stalls. "You stay right there, young lady!"

  I yanked some toilet paper, sending the roll thwap-thwapping inside the enclosed metal box. "If you didn't have to pee every five miles, and then drag the damn dog in with you, she wouldn't be chewing on a jizz-receptacle. Christ, we're ten minutes from the house! Buy some Depends the next time you hit Wal-Mart!"

  JoAnn started whistling the theme song to Mayberry RFD.

  "Get your ass back here," a woman yelled. "I'm not going to have Dorius up my butt if he gets here and we're not outside waiting for him!"

  JoAnn's tune cut to a squeal.

  A pair of Spiderman tennis shoes ran past my stall.

  I stood and jerked up my jeans, the elastic waist snapping at my midsection. Tootles watched me intently as she shivered.

  "I don't give a rat's ass what Dorius says," a child answered. "You're not my mother, so back off."

  Ohhh, this is good.

  Gold stilettos stomped by my stall. "Damn it, I am not going to argue with you!"

  I couldn't believe it when the door to the wheelchair stall next to me slammed shut. I gave the toilet paper apparatus a good shake. It didn't budge. This just might be doable.

  My sister grumbled, "Some people are so rude, aren't they Toot-toots?"

  "Do you have to pee?" the woman spat. "If you do, make it quick, you little shit!"

  I was about to do something stupid. Something totally unacceptable. Don't judge me. I'm in dire need of a diversion, and this little domestic squabble was going to get a shit-load of views on my You Tube web page.

  I squatted and bounced a couple of times, my joints popping with the effort.

  "I'll piss when I get good and ready to piss," the kid spat.

  There was a bit of a scuffle. The wall rattled and the woman screeched, "Son-of-a-bitch, you friggin' bit me!"

  A drop of blood hit her shoe. I got goose bumps. Christ, I can't believe I'm gonna do this.

  "Damn right, and if you get any closer I'll fucking bite you again!" the kid yelled in a guttural voice.

  "Oh, good lord!" JoAnn placed her hands over Tootles ears.

  I ignored her. I was on a mission.

  I grunted, struggling up to a standing position, and then flapped my hands, eyeing the toilet paper holder.

  "You have a filthy mouth young man!" the woman spat. "I'm thinkin' a good washin' with a bar of soap might-"

  "Yeah, just try it," the kid dared.

  Tootles scrambled out of the bag and began to whimper. She hopped in front of JoAnn's feet, her little pink taffeta skirt bouncing as she tried to jump on my sister's lap. "Just a minute. Mommy's almost finished, precious."

  I grabbed the coat hook on the wall adjoining the two stalls, pulled myself onto the toilet seat, and peeked over into the handicapped stall. The first thing I thought was that I'd give my eye teeth for her body; she could keep the hair.

  The woman sported a Dolly Parton up-do over bright red lips. Daisy-dukes barely covered a firm butt and enhanced long shapely legs. A red spandex top encouraged a mountain of breasts where a trickle of blood disappeared.

  I pulled my eyes from her chest and checked out the kid on the baby-changing table directly under me. He looked about five or six years old and wore Osh-B' Gosh coveralls, a royal blue SpongeBob t-shirt, and a bloody lipped smile.

  This should have been my first clue.

  The woman snapped, "That's it! You don't have to go. We're outta here. Now!" She pointed at the door.

  "Make me!" the kid challenged, swiveling his head back to her.

  Okay, it was now or never. Cell phone ready, I braced myself and hit the record button.

  "Ohhh nooo!" JoAnn shouted.

  I slipped and one foot landed in the toilet with a splash. I jerked it out, glaring at my new Eddie Bauer sandal dripping pissy water.

  "There's no toilet paper in here," JoAnn whined. "Can you pass me some?"

  "I've about had it with you kid!" the woman yelled.

  Tootles started barking.

  I placed my wet sandal on the metal toilet paper holder and leaned against the wall.

  JoAnn scooped up the dog and placed her in the purse. She began digging around under Tootles. "I know I have a Burger King napkin in here somewhere."

  I peered over the wall and pointed my cell phone into the handicapped stall, hands shaking.

  The woman jerked her head up to look at me. "What the hell do you want? Get back into your own stall old lady, 'cause this is none of your business!"

  I looked at my cell. Her angry face filled the screen. I shuddered with excitement.

  "Susan, stop being such a pain and pass me some toilet paper."

  The boy's chest rumbled and the woman turned back to him. I adjusted my feet, pointing the phone directly at them.

  "Look, you little pain in my ass," the woman snapped. "I don't like this anymore than you do. It's not my fault Dorius had business to take care of. I'll be glad to hand you over, buddy, as soon as he gets his ass back here to pick you up. So, if you have to piss, get on with it!"

  "Are you trying to make me mad?" JoAnn asked. "Can you please hand me some toilet paper?"

  To shut her up, I grabbed a handful of toilet paper and tossed it over the wall. Tootles jumped from the purse and began to wrestle her for it.

  "I don't need to be told when to urinate, bitch," the cute little fella hi
ssed, followed by an intake of breath from my sister's stall.

  "That's it!" JoAnn announced, flushing the toilet. "We're getting out of here!"

  Totally committed, I ignored my sister and whipped the phone in the kid's direction. He looked up at me, licking his lips. His eyes turned black with rage.

  "Do you want to die, too?" the boy asked me. "Because if you don't leave right now, you'll wish you had."

  That should have been my second clue.

  "Shut that damn phone and leave us the hell alone," the woman yelled.

  JoAnn went ape-shit. "Susan, are you filming them? You better not be! Why can't you act your age, for heaven's sake?"

  Like a woman possessed, I slammed my brows together and, with hooded eyes, filmed like mad.

  JoAnn just wouldn't let up. "Tootles is scared and all you can think about is your stupid website!"

  Tootles yelped and hit the floor. She skittered into my stall, yapping like crazy, her pink taffeta skirt askew, toilet paper hanging from her mouth.

  "Tootles get back over here!" JoAnn yelled. "We're leaving right now!"

  I was leaning over the stall, camera running, when the kid reached up and slapped the phone out of my hand. It landed on the floor against the far wall. The little red light was on, still recording them. Now I was pissed. The whole event was worthless if I didn't get my damn phone back.

  JoAnn's head popped out from under her stall, glaring up at me. "What in God's name are you doing up there? Get down before you fall and break something."

  "I dropped my frigging phone," I lied.

  "So you think you can just climb over the wall and get it? You're a senior citizen for heaven's sake! Get down, now!"

  "Not without my phone." Like an idiot, I climbed up on the toilet paper holder, swung one leg over the wall, riding the stall in a very uncomfortable position.

  With spittle flying from her mouth, in a guttural voice, JoAnn enunciated every word, "Why-can't-you-just-ask-for-it?"

  I winced, trying to get comfortable; my crotch hurt like hell. "If you had a Retriever instead of that ball of-"

  The kid grabbed my foot, yanked me over the wall, and ended the argument. I rolled off the changing table and landed on the floor beside the woman in an ass-cracking smack.

  That should have been my third clue.

  I rubbed my butt, and with shaky legs, got up, leaned against the wall, and edged toward my cell, eyeing the woman and kid.

  The little guy grabbed the woman by the chest, hissing loud enough to make me think the next thing I'd see would be his cherubic little head turning a full circle. The theme song to The Exorcist played in my head.

  I leaned slowly toward my cell, holding my aching back.

  The kid snarled, lifted the woman off her feet and tossed her into the corner of the stall as if she were a rag doll. Her head hit the tile wall and exploded like a dropped melon. I froze in horror. A red streak of blood trailed down the tile wall as she slid to the floor with a thump. Her mouth flopped open, emitting a long breath that fluttered the floating toilet tissue in front of her face.

  JoAnn let out a blood-curdling scream. "Did you just hit that woman? I'm not going to jail for you, Susan! You know I'm on a special diet."

  Tootles started yelping. I felt nauseous.

  I reached down and plucked the cell off the floor, punching in 911. The phone beeped and a message on the screen told me there was no signal. Shit!

  The kid smiled at me.

  "That woman needs an ambulance!" JoAnn instructed, her head peeking under the stall I was no longer in.

  The boy's nostrils flared. His head jerked in the direction of my sister's voice.

  I leaned low on the floor and my eyes met JoAnn's. Her eyebrows slammed together on her forehead.

  Snapping my phone shut, I slid it across the tiled floor, hoping it would hit my sister in the chest. No such luck. It stopped six inches from her nose.

  Tootles scampered out of the stall.

  "Tootles! Get back here, right now!" JoAnn's head jerked in the dog's direction.

  "Go outside and call the police. There's no signal in here, JoAnn."

  She reluctantly grabbed the phone, wiggled back into her stall and scrambled to her feet. "Tootles! Do not go out that door! Stay! Stay! Sit!"

  Suddenly, the whole scene came into focus as I watched JoAnn's feet heading for the exit. I was in a bathroom stall with a dead woman and a homicidal child in serious need of some Ritalin.

  With my heart skipping every few beats, I got to my feet, wincing in pain, and sidled toward the door, my eyes never leaving the kid.

  He opened his mouth and hissed at me.

  I stumbled back a step, chin several inches from my chest, and the little shit projectile vomited blood into my face, mouth and eyes. I felt the coppery taste on my tongue, swallowed like and idiot, and a large lump of glutinous blood slid down my throat. I back-pedaled, gagged, wiped my mouth off on my sleeve, and sucked in short, shallow breaths in an effort not to vomit.

  I moved against the far wall opposite him, turned to the woman on the floor, and noticed two circular wounds on her neck. What the…

  The boy studied me with black eyes that were no longer human. They followed me to the door and when I looked back at him, he grinned.

  I gagged, bile climbing the back of my throat, and shuddered, revisiting the taste of blood in my mouth.

  I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, trying to wrap my cranium around it as the bloody lipped child slyly contemplated me and my only exit.

  That's when I noticed his teeth. No, they were fangs. Mesmerized, I watched them slide from his mouth in a classic vampire image. Come on! Let's not even go there. I'm seeing things.

  He leaped off the changing table and strutted toward me.

  I pushed against the wall, slipped on the puked blood, and landed on the floor. With dry heaves, I watched him take another step toward me.

  This is stupid. He's what, three feet tall? I could take him. Just kick the little shit and run for it. As if he heard my thoughts, he hissed and was on me in a heartbeat.

  In a flash, he yanked me by the hair, pulled my neck to his lips, and sharp fangs slid into my skin. He started sucking; I became paralyzed as the little shit's life passed through my mind like a black cloud on a stormy night.

  …He is in an alley, five men tossing him from one to the other, all with fangs gleaming in the moonlight, all begging for a turn at the boy’s throat as the child screams out in horror.

  …One of the men bites his wrist, offering it to the boy, all of them laughing.

  The vision changed and another whirled through my mind.

  …A tall dark haired man, his fangs flashing in anger, chases the five men through alleys until finally a battle ensues. The child cowers, watching, fangs hanging from his little mouth as his wicked family is slain before his eyes.

  Just as fast as one scene swept my mind another came rushing in, playing in a vivid flash of color and diction.

  …The child and the dark haired man are on a city street in front of a topless bar.

  "Following this titty-dancer around is not my idea of a fun time, Dorius," the child says. "It pisses me off. I don't see why I can't join the rest of the Rogue Hunters."

  "Christopher, she's a suitable mate. I cannot overlook that. And you're not fighting rogues. We've been over this a million times. You'd be too much of a distraction."

  Christopher, the child's name is Christopher.

  "I need the goddamn distraction!" Christopher yells. "You know I want a woman, and you taunt me with yours. You try walking around looking like a goddamned joke. Fuck you, Dorius."

  "It's not always all about you, Christopher."

  "Fuck you, man."

  I groaned while Christopher suckled slowly, his chest rumbling softly as the scene dissolved, replaced with another.

  Christopher, Dorius, and the dead woman stand in front of the restroom. The restroom I am now dying in, next to the wo
man that is already dead.

  "Angelina, do you believe in fairy tales?" Dorius asks.

  "It's Angel darlin' and all I believe in's shakin' my ass to pay my bills. Believe me baby, I've heard it all."

  "No Angel, you haven't."

  My head was reeling, the boy's anger crystal clear as he bit my throat harder.

  "What if I told you that you could live forever, stay young, and never have to work another day in your life?"

  "Yeah, sure sweetie - a real nice little fairytale - but-"

  "Angel, I've got a surprise for you. Something very special."

  "Darlin', I love surprises."

  Dorius bends toward the woman's throat. Ringing - I hear a phone ringing. He hesitates and pulls away, cussing.

  The boy's lips smiled against my neck. I listened to a garbled conversation somewhere. It sounded like the dark immortal, Dorius. But he isn't in the restroom, is he? His voice echoed over and over like an old scratched record, "Don't let any harm come to her, Christopher… Don't let any harm come to her… Don't let any…"

  I felt teeth pull from my skin. I think my eyes were open, but it felt like a dream as I watched the child drag the body of Angelina out of the stall, a red trail following them across the bathroom and out the door of the restroom.

  Holding my stomach, I retched. My body trembled with pain. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall, panting. Darkness enveloped me, until I heard a gasp that reverberated off the walls.

  My eyes popped open. JoAnn stood dead still in the doorway of the restroom. She let out a screech, hand grasping her chest as she speed-walked toward me, sidestepping the blood on the floor.

  "Oh, my gracious Lord in thy kingdom of eternal bliss, help me. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph give me divine strength to carry on. It looks like a massacre in here!" JoAnn's nonsensical biblical yammering bounced off the bathroom walls like a pack of Ping-Pong balls, one after the other, giving her words momentum. My ears were ringing.