They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series) Read online

  "The darn cell phone doesn't work and the telephone booth across the street is out of order." She squatted beside me and yelped, "Oh, sweet mother of God, they slit your throat! There's blood all over your face, too. I hope it's yours." JoAnn leaned over my neck wound.

  My mouth salivated.

  She moved in a little closer, her cheek in front of my face. "Are you-"

  I slowly pivoted my head until our noses touched. My gums tingled.

  JoAnn backed up a bit, fanning her hand in front of her face. "You smell like road kill. And where did the kid and the woman go?"

  My skin started to prickle. My stomach clenched.

  "I don't know," I whispered, pulling my eyes away from JoAnn's throat. I wrapped my arms around my aching stomach and rocked back and forth. "If I had one of my guns I'd have shot that kid." I ran my tongue over my upper gums. They felt numb.

  "Let's not get started on your gun fetish, Susan! You have bad karma; shooting poor innocent deer and dragging them home all the time!"

  I felt sharp little points pushing out in front of my old worn-out canines as I half-listened to my sister's ranting.

  "And don't give me that crap about meat for the freezer. We have grocery stores you know."

  Maybe I have a subdural hematoma. Maybe I'm hallucinating.

  JoAnn hooked an arm around me, grimacing at the blood on my chest, and begrudgingly helped me to my feet. "Come on. That's it; I'm taking you directly to the hospital."

  "Damn it, JoAnn, will you ever shut up?" Christ, I can hear her pulse. I can smell her blood! I was in a panic as we headed for the bathroom door.

  "Don't you cuss at me!"

  This can't be happening!

  "This is all your fault, certainly not mine, and living with a bunch of dead carcasses hanging on our walls doesn't set a good example for poor Tootles! It frightens her."

  She pulled me toward my Jeep Wrangler. I moaned in pain, my eyes riveted on her neck as we stumbled along.

  In the Jeep, I leaned against the window in the backseat, my stomach cramping, my throat dry, my gums burning.

  JoAnn put the Jeep in gear. Tootles began to bark and jump around on the console. "Poor little Toot-Toots, Mommy's going to give you a big dish of baked chicken as soon as we get home."

  My mouth salivated as I locked my eyes on the dog. I smelled her blood and, with an uncanny clarity, heard Tootles rapid heartbeat enticing me, pulling at me as the car sped through the parking lot.

  A loud rumble started in my chest and fangs ripped through my upper gums. Two worn-out canines dropped onto my lap. I stared at them, my body vibrating, and my skin felt like it was burning, stretching. My eyes jerked to my sister's reflection in the rearview mirror, and then back to the dog. A growl moved up my throat and out my mouth.

  JoAnn's eyes jumped to the mirror. She screeched and turned around in her seat. "You… you… you have big teeth! What the? And… and… your skin is stretching… you look so… Oh my Go-"

  The car plowed into a light pole so hard everybody shot forward. The airbags deployed and bounced Tootles into the back seat where she landed right in my lap. I looked down at the dog, saliva dripping down my chin, sharp pains in my stomach, my head pounding with each pulse of the dog's blood.

  Tootles whimpered. I pulled her close to my chest, placing my nose in her curly fur as I stroked her. "Ith othay, I got ya now." My words of comfort sounded funny over my fangs.

  JoAnn hysterically wrestled the airbag, guttural moans coming from her mouth. She opened the car door and the interior light came on, giving her a picture perfect view of the horrendous scene in the back seat.

  "Stop biting Tootles!" she screeched. "For God sake, are you crazy? Do you have mad cow disease?" JoAnn stared at me with a look of horror on her face.

  I shook my head, dropped Tootles, and my fangs slipped back into my gums. I gagged, trying to clear my throat, and hacked up a bloody hairball that hit JoAnn right between the eyes. She yelped, frantically wiping her face.

  I looked down at Tootles dead in my lap, and began to shake violently. What have I done? I stared at my sister. My baby sister! "I… I think I'm a vampire, JoAnn! Do something!"

  ~~~~

  Chapter Two

  ~~~~

  Dorius picked up his cell for the fifth time, punched in Angelina's number, and heard the same message, "The party you wish to speak to is no longer available."

  "Oh for the love of blood." He broke the connection, quickly punching in another number. This time he got a pre-recorded voice message with the snappy tune, 'Werewolf in London' in the background, "Not available to take your call. Probably out in the woods. Leave a message after the howl."

  "Son of a bitch! The only link to finding my wanna-be-mate is out howling at the moon."

  Dorius left a message after the howl. "Paul, call me back immediately. We have an issue to resolve." He looked at his watch. "It's ten o'clock." He closed the cell and tossed it on the dashboard.

  "The Gods be damned! I hate waiting!" He ran his hands through his long black hair and tugged at the leather bolo around his neck, unbuttoning the first two buttons of his burgundy silk shirt. His square jaw cracked as he ground his teeth and smoothed out his black goatee, while peering at his deep blue eyes in the rearview mirror.

  His fangs dropped with an angry growl. He yanked open the door of his black Mercedes SUV, stepped out and immediately began to pace. His dark jeans scraped softly over his black, pointy-toed boots, the silver tips shining in the glare of the street lamps.

  "Where the hell are they, damn it?" Dorius slapped the hood of his car, putting a small smudge on the shiny black surface. "If Christopher fucked this up, the little bastard will die a second time."

  He glared at the greasy print for a few seconds, then buffed it with his elbow, while he contemplated whether he should just drive to the park and find out for himself.

  Why the hell did I have to go join the others in the hunt? Shit, what a mess.

  He slid back into the SUV and slammed his fist against the steering wheel. "Damn it! Damn it all to hell!"

  Who let the dogs out? Who… Who…who-who…his cell phone sang.

  Dorius grabbed it, flipped it open and pushed the speaker button. "It's about time, Cujo."

  "Don't be a smart ass. You know it's my day off, Dorius. I'm in the Everglades with a few friends for the moon run. I just got your message. Whaddya need?"

  "Sorry to interrupt your little frolic in the swamp. I need you to go to Tavares. There's a park there on the water. Do you know the one?"

  "Yes, the marina off Nineteen, - on Main, right? The one with the wooden gym set."

  "That's the one," Dorius hissed.

  "It'll take me at least three hours to get there. Can't you get one of your Rogue Hunters on it?"

  "No, I want to handle this discreetly so get your hairy ass out there." Dorius glared at the cell phone in his hand.

  "What am I looking for?" Paul sighed.

  "Christopher. He's missing."

  ~~~~

  I was somewhere between sleep and consciousness when I realized I was methodically grinding my teeth to the sound of metal scrapping metal. My nostrils flared with the strong odors of musk, animal pelt, death, and blood.

  I sat up and opened my eyes. The nose of a deer hung inches from my face. A drop of blood fell into a bucket underneath the deer. I yelped at the acoustic sound and cupped my ears. Large teeth dropped from my upper gums as the events of the evening flashed before my eyes. The kid. The dead lady. The dog… Tootles… I killed Tootles!

  I was in my butcher shop out in the barn. How the hell did JoAnn accomplish that? I must have passed out. Holy cow, I haven't passed out and not remembered how I got somewhere since I was twenty-five and toked on the hookah!

  Another drop of blood splashed into a bucket under the doe's nose. My stomach convulsed. My nostrils flared and I licked my lips.

  This can't be real! My eyes played over a cup, ladle, box of bendy straws, my sleepi
ng bag and a pillow, all stacked in a neat pile beside the bucket, adding clarity to the moment. Shit! Did I really frigging kill my sister's little ankle nipper?

  The sound of blood dripping along with the methodical scraping noise ricocheted around in my brain. I frantically looked around the room. I need to get out of here and find JoAnn.

  I bolted to the door way too fast for my tired old bones, suddenly feeling lighter, more agile. I grabbed the handle and gave it a firm pull. It didn't budge. She's locked me in? Son-of-a-bitch! I kicked the door.

  Immediately the scraping noise stopped, followed by the sound of feet shuffling on the other side of the door.

  I noticed I didn't feel an ounce of pain in my usually sensitive feet as I stared at a dent in the metal door; a very small one, but nonetheless a dent.

  "Susan, you killed Tootles! My baby! You drank her - oh God, I'm gonna puke again." JoAnn gagged outside the door.

  Another drop hit the bucket. My head jerked toward the deer. I eyed the blood - I wanted the blood - I was salivating for the blood. Oh man, I'm a blood-sucking vampire!

  I began to make a mental list as my body pulled me toward the bucket: I'm gonna need a casket, and dark curtains for my bedroom and the living room windows. Get someone to take down the cross hanging over my bed. Warn the neighbors to keep their pets in at night - and… and - oh God, I killed Tootles!

  I picked up the glass and filled it with the ladle.

  "Damn it Susan, say something!"

  "What was all the scraping, JoAnn?" I asked, my eyes riveted on the glass.

  "Nothing."

  "I heard it. What where you doing?" My stomach growled.

  "Nothing."

  "You're in my barn. What are you playing with, JoAnn?"

  There was a long pause before she answered, "Well… when I was digging Tootles grave, and by the way, that was a dirty job - I cried the whole time. My makeup is a mess. My face is laced with grime. And poor Tootles..."

  Joann sobbed and sniffled, and then finally continued, "Anyway, I thought about putting the tent up. It's supposed to rain later and… well, I didn't want the grave to… anyway, one thought led to another… and I decided to sharpen the stakes so… just in case… um… while I waited for you to wake up."

  I leaned over the glass and inhaled the aroma with the satisfaction of a wine connoisseur's first sniff. I took a small, tentative sip from the glass while I gave her statement some thought. The blood tasted old, stale, but I shuddered with delight as the thick coppery liquid slid down my throat.

  "Your stakes won't kill me, JoAnn." I think - hell, I don't know - it sounded good, maybe she'd buy it.

  "Yes, they will! I've been reading Diary of a Vampire, Susan. I know what you are. You… you turned thirty years younger right in front of me and you grew fangs!"

  I made another mental note to get rid of the tent stakes. Did she say thirty years younger? I chugged the rest of the blood, quivering in ecstasy, then bolted for the butcher table, set the empty glass down, and grabbed for anything that would give off a reflection in the dim nightlight plugged into the wall over the table. I settled for a big spoon, and held in front of my face.

  Holy shit - will ya look at me. I fluffed my hair and turned my head from side to side to get a better view. "I… my God, I'm young again. JoAnn, I'm really a vampire!"

  "I know! I can't believe it either," JoAnn shouted. "Thank the Lord I didn't sleep through the whole Dracula movie the girls dragged us to last October. You're staying right where you are!"

  I laid down the spoon and tried to stay calm. No sense pissing off the idiot with the tent stakes in her hands.

  "Sweetie, I'm not going to drink your blood," I said in the sweetest voice I could muster.

  I ladled up another glass.

  "I broke three fingernails dragging you out of the jeep and into the wheelbarrow! And then I had to get you inside the cooler and, well, I hope I didn't hurt you when I dumped you in there and your head cracked on the cement."

  I rubbed my head, checking for lumps. "I'm sorry about Tootles. I would take it back if I could." Sh-yeah, right? I sucked down another big mouthful. My stomach growled for more. "I didn't mean it. I couldn't help myself, but better her than you, right? Now let me out so we can figure out what to do. I need your help, JoAnn."

  I lifted my shirt; my Cross Your Heart, Playtex 18 Hour Bra hung on the tips of two perfectly shaped firm breasts. Oh hell yes! My tits don't hit my waist anymore!

  "I'm waiting for the sun to come up. Then, I'll let you out," JoAnn said, whipping my attention off my new chest.

  I curled my lips back and glared at the locked door. "What, you intend to lure me out at daybreak and watch me fry?"

  "I don't know. You scare me," JoAnn choked out. "You could kill-"

  "Why bother locking me up in here? Why didn't you just tie me to a goddamn tree over Tootles' grave and send me off in a burst of flames when the sun comes up? I'm your sister for Christ sake, and all you're worried about is the dead dog! Let me out!"

  I chugged the blood, eyeing the half-empty bucket. Even though the lights were off, I realized I could see everything as if I were wearing night-vision goggles.

  I was pondering that bit of information when JoAnn said, "I'm not letting you out."

  "I need blood," I hissed, looking at my empty glass.

  "I know it's dark in there but I didn't want you to wake up to blaring lights. I hate waking up like that. There's a bucket of blood under the deer carcass. And it's almost full."

  No, it's almost empty. I may be drinking dead deer blood, but my second chin is gone and I have perky breasts… and just maybe… I pulled at the elastic on my jeans and gasped. No flab - no gallbladder scar! Weeeeeeeeeeee!

  "Drink the deer blood," JoAnn ordered all smart-alecky. "Because, I'm not letting you out."

  "What are you gonna do when it's gone? You gonna let me wither and die in here? Then stake me and burn my emaciated carcass?" I wish my daughter Resi was here! She'd kill for this firm body. I ladled up again, feeling like a bloodoholic.

  "Susan, I swear, I'm not going to shove you in the sun, or stake you - even though you deserve it - unless you try to kill me. Then I will have to do something, right? I mean, I really don't want to, but if you leave me no choice. I will be prepared!"

  She's tapping the frigging tent stakes on the door. I swigged the blood, my body vibrating with delight. "Sooner or later you'll have to let me out, sun or no sun, because I will need more blood." And if you don't find a way to get me more of this iron-rich delicacy, you're gonna be my next meal.

  "Darn it," JoAnn said. "I'll be right back."

  Before I could ask what idiotic scheme she had in mind, my Kubota RTV revved up and took off.

  I looked around the butcher shop and knew I couldn't get out. No windows - the metal walls were lined with asbestos insulation to keep it cool when the refrigeration system was on. The bolt on the door was solid. Funny, it was only forty degrees in here and I didn't even feel cold.

  I was thinking about my new abilities when the RTV came to a grinding, gear-gnawing stop outside the door. I had to laugh. JoAnn's not outdoorsy, and the barn’s at least a football field away from the house, through the woods and a small field. And I don't think I can remember the last time she walked into what she so commonly called 'The Death Chamber'.

  There was a soft tapping at the door. "I'm getting you blood. It will be here in a few minutes. Can you wait?"

  Oh God, tell me she's not having someone come over so I can drink his or her blood. I could just see her opening the door and shoving someone in at me. God, that would make a great horror flick, now wouldn't it?

  Maybe we could install a camera and charge five bucks a pop for a look at a real immortal sucking the life from unsuspected victims.

  "Where are you getting the blood, JoAnn? I know it's not on Pizza Hut's take out menu. Who did you call?"

  "Zaire."

  Zaire, my younger daughter's lover, is a Maintenance Man
ager at the local hospital. As if my life wasn't bad enough, every estrogen producing person in my immediate family were now living under my roof.

  After a brief dabbling in the methamphetamine production business, Resi and Zaire found themselves evicted from their apartment due to a smallish explosion they were able to attribute to a microwave malfunction. Resi promptly planted her happy little ass back home with me, dragging Zaire with her.

  To make matters worse, God in his infinite wisdom sent a hurricane barreling through Dora Pines Mobile Home Park. This brought my eighty-three year old mother, sister, and the damn dog to my door, dragging the soggy remains of their previous life behind them in cardboard boxes.

  I had led a nice, quiet life with my older daughter, Jeni, before they'd all showed up.

  "Are you sure she'll bring it?" I asked. "Where's she going to get blood? I bet she thinks you're nuts."

  "She didn't think I was nuts after I told her you killed poor little Tootles. And she said the sun won't kill you, darn it." I could hear JoAnn sigh and lean against the door.

  Vampires were fiction before tonight. We don't know what will kill me, but I'm not going to share that little tidbit of information with her. I paced, knowing if Zaire didn't bring blood, as soon as Resi saw me, she'd lay her neck in front of my fangs faster than heading to the store to cash in a winning lottery ticket. "Where is everyone else?"

  "They don't know about you yet, Susan. They were all gone when we got here."

  Boy are they in for a surprise.

  "Jeni and Mom are at bingo. Resi's at the bar waiting for Zaire to get off work. I can call Jeni, I suppose, but then I'd have to tell them about Tootles, separately, and…"

  I saw red. Can't she just get past the Tootles thing, already? "I'm a frigging vampire! I'm dead, you idiot! I need help, here! Work with me, damn it!"

  "Fine! You always get what you want! I have to go back to the stupid house again. At least I can get the flowers off the dining room table for Tootles' grave." Her voice stepped up an octave as she spoke.