They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series) Read online

  "There's a portable phone and phone book in the roll top desk by the riding lawnmower." I wasn't going to wait for her to arrange flowers on Tootles' grave.

  "You have a telephone in here? Well, you could have told me that, before I went all the way to the house to call Zaire." I heard her footsteps as she stomped away.

  If you helped with the yard work occasionally, you'd know what I have in here. I added another note to my mental list; someone else is going to have to mow the lawn. The neighbors would freak if I cranked up the ole John Deere after dark.

  I listened to the ping of numbers punched into the telephone. "Hello, can you please page my niece, Jeni Stech, to the phone?" There was a short pause. "Yes, it's a family emergency."

  JoAnn tapped the stakes on the wall near the door. "You don't have to get anyone to play her stupid cards. She'll be leaving, anyway."

  She tapped a little harder. "Look lady; just call her to the phone! You can keep your darn money!"

  JoAnn let out a sigh while she waited.

  "Jeni, hi, can you and Nanna come home right away? Your mother… she's not…"

  A frustrated sigh.

  "Your mother was… well, in a confrontation, and now she's…."

  My hearing was extraordinary, but I couldn't pick up my daughter's softly spoken side of the conversation.

  "She's not… herself."

  A slight tapping of her foot.

  "No, she's right here in the meat cooler."

  Her foot sounded like a metronome in quarter time.

  "I put her there."

  And I'm going to let her out when the sun comes up.

  "Because she's a zombie and she killed Tootles! I had to bury my baby in the yard, all by myself!"

  A zombie, boy she really needs to read a few more of Resi's books.

  JoAnn let out a long, noisy breath. "I wouldn't have her in the meat cooler if she was really dead, now would I?"

  She huffed in frustration.

  "Not Tootles, your Mom! She's probably drinking deer blood right now as we speak!"

  That did it. I started laughing.

  JoAnn's hand slapped the door. "This is not funny, damn it."

  "Tell her you were going to let me out when the sun comes up and watch me sizzle."

  "I'm not talking to you, Jeni. Your mother is laughing at me. And I'm not going to let you fry in the sun, Susan!" She kicked the door.

  "No, this is not a joke! I'm trying to tell you, damn it. Your mother's a fucking vampire! And she killed my goddamn dog!"

  JoAnn hit the door with something, probably the telephone.

  "No, I am not off my estrogen! And yes, I know I'm cussing! You'd cuss too if you went through what I did tonight, damn it!"

  I threw back my head, closed my eyes, and smiled. I could imagine her standing there, hand on her hip, face as red as a tomato.

  "Jennifer, go get Nanna and come home, right now! This is not a joke. You know I don't joke, especially about Tootles being dead."

  The conversation ended abruptly.

  Jeni, at the very least, would think her aunt had lost her mind and come running home to handle it. I smiled in spite of myself. "Are you going to call Resi?" I pleasantly asked, leaning over the bucket. The blood was almost gone. I felt like licking the bucket.

  "Yesssss," JoAnn hissed.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Three

  ~~~~

  I heard feet stomping up to the barn and Zaire shouting, "This better not be a joke! I just ripped off the hospital. Resi said she was gonna kick some ass if you guys are screwing with us."

  I'll be damned, she's got blood.

  "I saw the light on in the shed. She's in here, isn't she?" Zaire asked with way too much enthusiasm.

  "In the cooler," JoAnn said. "You don't have to be so happy about this, you know. My sister killed Tootles and her body actually transformed in front of me. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would never believe any of this."

  "Well open the damn door. I wanna see her, man!"

  "You're not getting the key until the sun comes up! I am not dying so my sister can have a meal, Zaire!"

  "Aunt JoAnn, I told you the sun won't kill her."

  "And you know this how? Because in the movie I saw, it would," JoAnn huffed.

  I ground my teeth, losing at least a layer of enamel. "I can hear you guys, and I'm not going to bite anybody. Did Zaire bring blood? If she did, what the hell are you gonna do, slide it under the door?"

  JoAnn let out a stressed sigh.

  I listened to them argue in hushed whispers, a low rumble in my chest.

  Finally someone withdrew the padlock and the door swung open.

  "Hoo-ly shit! Oh. My. God!" Zaire laughed. "This is real! This is real! Fuckin'-A! Fuckin'-A! Fuckin'-A!" She bent her knees, slapping her thigh.

  "Get away from the vampire!" JoAnn screeched.

  Zaire pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, shot JoAnn a grin, and snapped a picture of me. "I'm sending this to Resi. She's gonna have a freakin' cow! Damn, you look younger than her." She pushed the send button and punched the metal door at the same time.

  Vanity… The mainstay of our household.

  "I'm anemic. You don't want my blood!" JoAnn shrieked, backing up a few steps.

  I sucked in air through clenched teeth, and turned to Zaire. "What's in the red trash bag?"

  Zaire looked from me to the large red garbage bag in her hands, her beautiful gray eyes twinkling. "Blood! What the hell do you think it is?"

  She still had on her white uniform and it looked stark next to her rich coffee colored skin. Long shagged hair framed a flawless face with full lips that smiled at me.

  My eyes fell to the garbage bag and my fangs slipped from my gums.

  "Your teeth! My God, this is really happening," Zaire exclaimed with way too much white showing around her irises. She grabbed her cell phone again as if it were a double fudge brownie with no calories. "Oh, shit, look at her friggin' fangs!"

  JoAnn hobbled back a few more paces, shaking her head.

  "Yes, it's real," I said, but it came out, yeth ith's rllll.

  Zaire set the bag down beside her and laughed. "You need to practice talking with those babies, Mom."

  I stared at the bag.

  "You look bitchen," Zaire said, snapping another picture. "Your hair is longer, curlier, bright red, and your eyes… your eyes are intense; green with a circle of gold around them. Friggin' awesome. I bet you can kick ass."

  I focused on her throat, licking my fangs.

  "Oh God, don't bite her. Don't bite her. Pleeease, don't bite her." JoAnn looked away, gagging.

  My new fangs retracted like a well-oiled switchblade.

  "Aunt JoAnn, come on!" Zaire didn't look concerned. "Do you know what this means? We can all live forever, looking as young as she does!"

  "But… but…" JoAnn protested.

  Maybe a little growl, a lunge in her direction, or a good snarl would shut her up. I picked the trash bag up, my nostrils flaring.

  Zaire eyed the tent stakes JoAnn held firmly to her chest. "You really need to read one of my vampire books. Stakes, holy water, crosses - all a myth, JoAnn. She's just about unstoppable."

  JoAnn grimaced and turned away, shuffling her feet. "I skimmed Diary of a Vampire. A lot of killing going on in that book. I couldn't find a single chapter without blood sucking vampires in it. It was disgusting."

  Zaire burst out laughing, slapping her hip. "Oh yeah, baby! She has to drink blood, but she's a frickin' machine with a body to die for. I'd suck a rat for that!"

  I pulled a clear bag out of the mess of jumbled plastic stuff in the trash bag and held it in front of my face.

  "What the hell is this? Mathew Barnes?" I glared at the label on a used bag of human blood, waving it like a flag at a fourth of July parade. It had tubing running from the end with a plastic needle attached. It was only half-full. I really wanted to bitch-slap the both of them.

  Zaire turned to me a bit put
out. "I had to rob the hazardous waste bins in the operating rooms. Where the hell did you think I would come up with blood at the hospital? Fuckin' drain the patients? I'm in maintenance for Christ sake, not the blood lab."

  "Just drink the stupid blood, Susan," JoAnn whimpered. "Mom and Jeni will be here soon and we need to say… a few words over the grave."

  My Dracula teeth reappeared. I shot her a look, faked an attempt to jump at her, and growled. She fumbled back, arms swinging, brown eyes wide, and fell flat on her ass in the doorway of the barn.

  Zaire put a hand on my chest and smiled at JoAnn. "I think we should forget about Tootles for tonight, Aunt JoAnn." She grabbed the bag from my hand and slammed it into my new fangs.

  "Damn you Susan, I pissed myself," JoAnn sniveled, trying to get up.

  I growled around the bag as my sister crab-walked further out the door, sitting about two feet on the other side of the threshold.

  I sucked hard and a shiver ran up my spine. It felt so good and tasted so much better than the bucket of stale deer blood.

  Zaire grinned at JoAnn, who was still squirming near the door.

  I drained the bag with the sound of two straws sucking air. Zaire pulled it from my teeth, slapped another half-full bag against my mouth and my fangs searched for the liquid like a puppy rooting for a teat.

  I finished my second bag, pulling it from my fangs and felt them immediately retract. "I'm going to go take a shower before everybody else gets here. I'm filthy." I leered in JoAnn's direction.

  She jumped a good six inches away. The way her skin wobbled made her look tired and old. I couldn't help but laugh inside. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, who's the younger sister now? Poor JoAnn.

  Zaire grabbed the hazardous waste bag, turning to follow me.

  JoAnn got up, blocked the door, and put her hand up, palm facing me. She took several steps back. "I am not letting you in the house stinking like a slaughtered pig. We can hose you off right here first, put some flowers on the grave and then go inside. I brought out a couple of towels and a nightshirt for you."

  I smiled. "I'm getting a shower. You can use the damn hose and the frigging nightshirt." I pointedly stared at the wet spot on the front of her shorts, then started toward the door.

  JoAnn flattened herself against the wall just inside the barn, instantly looking like the work of a skilled, if not slightly deranged taxidermist.

  "Susan, you better be nice or I'll stake you myself while you're sleeping." JoAnn held two tent stakes, one over the other like a cross, pushing them at me.

  "Like that's gonna happen." Zaire shook her head in amusement. "Get the blowtorch. You can hang it from your hip like a gunslinger. That might work if you can catch her. Fire and decapitation. That's about it. And it's friggin', Mom, not frigging. If you're gonna look twenty-five, talk like you're twenty-five."

  "You say friggin' - I say frigging. Deal with it." None of us really knew what the hell would kill a vampire. Zaire was basing her assumptions on the fiction novels laying around the house. I stared at the stakes and rubbed my chest.

  JoAnn looked from the tent stakes to Zaire with a frown. Her knuckles turned white.

  I glared at JoAnn. "Get out of my frigging way."

  "I got these stakes and I'll use them, Susan!" Her arms were raised, both hands extended. Screeching like a lunatic, she flattened herself against the wall again.

  I leapt at her, grabbed her by the throat and lifted her two feet off the floor, fangs hanging from my mouth.

  JoAnn screamed just like a woman in a horror flick and stabbed me in the chest with the stakes.

  "Ouch! Ow! Daaa-mn it all to hell!" I let go of her, looked down at the stakes hanging between my new set of tits and yanked them out, my chest rumbling.

  Zaire slapped another bag of blood on my fangs. I sucked and lifted my blouse to watch the hole in my chest heal.

  "See JoAnn, I told you they wouldn't work," Zaire said with a smile.

  "That's it! I'm getting the blowtorch!" JoAnn yelled, heading for my tools.

  I curled my lips and dropped the stakes on the floor.

  "Okay, where is it? I know that blowtorch is here somewhere," JoAnn mumbled, frantically tossing tools around on my workbench. "Here torchie-torchie," she yelled as if expecting the damn thing to run up barking and licking her leg.

  It was official - my sister had lost it. She just might torch my tight little ass. I made a mental note: Lock up the blowtorch that was in the garage attached to the house.

  I pulled the empty bag off my fangs and walked out of the barn. I didn't make it very far. Headlights swung around the corner of the dirt road leading to the house, blinding me for a minute. My fangs retracted and I handed Zaire the empty blood bag as JoAnn reluctantly stepped out of the barn, her eyes jerking in the direction of the car.

  Resi's red Mustang convertible came to a halt beside my Jeep Wrangler. She jumped out and stood gawking at me for about two seconds before she erupted.

  "My God, you look better than the picture Zaire sent me, but you're like… disgusting!" Her eyes whipped over JoAnn's grimy clothes. "God Damn it, this is real!" Resi turned back to me. "Is that blood? Is that blood on your lips?" Her eyes jumped back to JoAnn. "God Aunt Jo, you look like shit, worse than ever. I've never seen your makeup all drippy like that." Resi turned back to me, grabbed my arms, and held them out. "But Mom, wow, you're a fantastic mess. Can I see your fangs? Do something immortal - like… try to pick up your Jeep!"

  I yanked my arms away and tried to figure out a way to dodge around her so I could get to the shower. But she just kept going on, and on, jumping in front of me. Damn, I wanted to slap her.

  "You look so young!" She twirled her finger at me and I raised an eyebrow. "Where did all the sagging ass and tits go? God, if I knew this was going to happen, I could have saved ten grand on this balloon tit job." She ran both hands down her jaw, over her neck and across her store-bought breasts, lifting boobs that were already threatening to choke her.

  Resi scrunched her nose. "Your hair is…well… it's too red, but maybe you can dye it. Oh man, this is really, really, real!" Resi let out a shrill little giggle, clapping her hands and turning circles. Then she sang, "This is RE-AL... so God damn RE-AL… I can't BE-Leave it… oh, my, my, my, I…"

  "Shut the hell up!" I snapped. Her song cut abruptly to a pouty, frustrated sigh, with cupid lips. "Don't screw with me Resi. I'm going to take a shower."

  "Wait! I just got here, damn it," Resi whined, and started to follow me.

  "Doesn't anyone care about Tootles?" JoAnn stood in the frame of the barn door, looking like an encrusted, limp noodle.

  Another set of headlights lit up the area before I could grab her by the throat.

  "Shit!" I kicked Resi's car and it moved about fifteen inches, making a nice big dent in the bumper.

  "Oh wow! Do that again!" Zaire ordered. "Holy shit! F'n-A, man!" Zaire tossed the trash bag over her shoulder, a shit-eating grin on her face.

  Resi punched Zaire's arm and glared at me. "Don't you dare! Why don't you go all vampire on Zaire's car!"

  My mother's face was plastered against the passenger window as the car rolled by on its way to the garage.

  I headed for the house.

  "My mother's a goddamned vampire. Oh, hell yes! Zaire, babe, this is a damn dream come true!" Resi sprinted after me.

  With my extraordinary hearing, I heard the rest of the conversation as if I were standing right beside them.

  "You know, JoAnn, Resi's gonna be a vampire before the night is over," Zaire said.

  Great. Just what I need. Resi's enough of a drama queen without the three-inch fangs.

  "You mean Susan can actually make you guys immortal?!" JoAnn asked in horror.

  "Hell yes! This is a chance in a lifetime, baby. Un-fucking believable."

  "Well, why didn't Tootles become a vampire?"

  "Animals can't be vampires, JoAnn. Read another book."

  I turned back. Zaire was sprinting toward the ho
use. JoAnn was walking slowly across the lawn in her pee-stained shorts.

  I bolted up the front steps and through the front door, knowing I'd be in my bathroom, door locked, before Jeni could get my mother out of the car, up a flight of stairs and into the kitchen.

  Three down and two more to go. But I know my mother will not be beating me with a Bible, nor staking me with a cross. Hell no! The woman is eighty-three with the mind of a teenager, and a body that can't keep up. I think she has a dildo, for Christ sake! I've heard something humming in her bedroom. And she damn sure knows what a vampire is. I've seen her reading Resi's fantasy books. She probably knows more than I do and she'll fight Resi for a chance at immortality - or die trying.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Four

  ~~~~

  My body was craving sustenance; the heady scent of blood surrounded me, tempted me, and pulled at me. I slid down the wall and sat at the top of the stairs, clutched my stomach and listened to the conversation downstairs.

  "This is a damn miracle, Jeni." Resi sounded excited. "You do realize we can all live forever, young and beautiful."

  "And kick-ass strong," Zaire added.

  I looked down at my shapely legs, flexed and watched muscles pop up all over the place.

  "Well, Tootles isn't living forever," Joann whimpered.

  I sighed. Sure I'm a hottie, but I killed my sister's dog, and now have to drink blood to keep this body. What if I have to spend the rest of my days sealed up in a coffin, never seeing the light of day? I made another mental note: Find out where I can buy a coffin.

  "That's not her fault, Aunt JoAnn," Resi educated. "I'm surprised she didn't bite you. The lust for blood is very strong at first. It must have taken a lot of control on her part."

  No shit! My nostrils flared with the smell of fresh blood.

  I heard my older daughter, Jeni, laugh. "Are you guys on drugs again? Wha'd you two do, give Aunt JoAnn and Mom a contact high? Vampires are fiction, Resi. Have another cup of coffee."

  Boy is she gonna be surprised.